Pussies galore

We’ve all got used to having unexpected things happening on video calls these past months – everyone loves to see a cat make an appearance, less so if it suddenly deletes the PowerPoint chart which you’re presenting.    But how would you react if it was more than just a harmless pussy on your screen (insert your own gag here)?

Unlikely though it may be, but you wouldn’t want to be on a video call with Siegfried and/or Roy when suddenly one of them is attacked by another ‘member’ of the crew.  If you were on that call, and either Siegfried or Roy were being dragged away from the computer by something who has mistaken them for a piece of steak, you’d hope they’d click the “Leave the meeting” button on their way out.

Pet ownership has increased during lockdown, especially exotic pets.  Have you got a ready-to-hand antivenom should someone on the call be bitten by their recently procured Black Mamba?  If you had, you’d struggle to get a DPD driver to pick that up – he’ll be too busy getting a small stool and a whip round to Siegfried and Roy’s.

Parrots are far too dangerous to have, especially if you don’t like your boss and you’ve been telling a packet of Trill that.  That vituperative word’ll cost you when the company swear box comes round.

Dogs are acceptable.  Particularly if you’ve bought a load of sheep to occupy it (let’s recreate the Nativity, they said; rustling’s legal in most parts of Surrey, they said; it won’t destroy your new shaver, they said).  Dogs can, with the use of a suitably-pitched whistle, be sent several messages to gather the sheep in – no one will ever know, unless you’re not on mute and you suddenly think you’re a Northumbrian farmer auditioning for One Man and his Dog.

Aardvarks are good to as they’ll never raise their heads above your desk, so never in camera; plus, they’ll get all the ants out of your carpet.  I wouldn’t encourage getting a sloth, because, if you’ve got Zoom fatigue, who’s going to walk it last thing at night?

Get a gerbil: they have vast periods of inactivity, they love children (although they prefer sunflower seeds) and how often do you get to call a pet, Rommel?